you are a dickhead
The comment was left by that friend to all creatures great and small, Anonymous. Imagine my pleasure in being so addressed. Wishing I could have responded with something like "I may be a dickhead, but at least I am not a coward," I deleted the comment and went on with my day.
But I have returned to this comment in thought and feeling since then, and in the grace of knowing, I am prepared to say that I think this comment was not only appropriate, but keen on insight. I agree with Anonymous that I am a dickhead, and this is why.
I have come to think like a dick, that is, like a penis. I use my head, my brain, like a penis. I do this because the alternative is not available to me. I think aggressively. I get excited and write, and then I am spent. After some time, and under various stimuli, I write again. Again and again. I write a lot. A fair boast for a middle-aged male. If someone reading a blog thinks me a dickhead, well, they should read my poems. My poems are penile in the extreme. They are almost all shaped like blocks, some of them quite...long. But, honestly, I am among the most penile of writers, and a veritable dickhead, to be sure.
By the way, the room of the bar where I sit hosts two other men and their computers. One wears overalls cut off at the knees and no shirt; the other, somewhat older, a button-down oxford and a beret. I am clad in black chinos from Cabelas (I only buy pants at Cabelas as I can rely on no one else for reasonably-priced size 32/34's), a striped pearl-snap long sleeve, and a barn jacket from LL Bean.
Anyway, I am a dickhead. A dickhead. I am neither ashamed nor proud. Frankly, I think everyone knows this and so I am relieved, even gratified, that it is out in the open. I want no more awkward silences. And I hope no one is inclined to respond as if to defend me. Posted by Anonymous, you would have the entire earth's living population to address, excepting only you and myself, save those who have no computer access. You have better things to do than defend me, and I have better things to do than thank you for your efforts. Oh, I am a dickhead. But, a loving one. Ick.
I think there is more to be written on this subject. I write like a dick (as a dick would write - and therefore am a dickhead) because I believe that one should be resolute. One is not required to always be right, but you should make an effort to give folks something to agree with or object to. Perhaps my critic simply did not like what I wrote. The term "dickhead" is after all used as a pejorative. But I notice that the context assigns to this term the ultimate meaning. Compare, "You are such a dickhead" with "Don't be a dickhead." Dickhead dwells perhaps alongside a term like Jerk, but it is somewhat more susceptible to nuance, such as I have described. I think.
An Anonymous (I have to assume the same one) responded to another posting that mentioned Dante, where I reaffirmed a personal commitment to shoot for the stars, so to speak, by inserting a dictionary definition of the word "pretentious." I deleted that comment too, I am sorry to say, for it was perfectly apt. I most certainly am pretentious. I pretend to greatness. I will continue to do so. I think we all will, in whatever way suits us.
I will continue I believe to write like a penis. Whether Anonymous is done with me, well, I suspect Anonymous is. He/she has done yeoman's work in reading my writings and assigning memorable, cogent terms to the experience. In all honesty, I can't ask for more. More. More. Oh, yeah....